Christmas and Holiday Movies, Part 2

Now, it's for the worst holiday movies ever made. I'm basing this on storyline, production value, and overall lack of enthusiasm. You might agree or disagree on me with this one, but if you haven't seen the ten movies and TV shows below, then, you might want to stay away.

10 - Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas: If you're a parent or got a little nephew or niece out there who loves Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, then stay away from this one. The reason this show is terrible is that it is in 3D animation. Sure, it might look good with Toy Story or Finding Nemo, but this is Mickey Mouse and his gang and it doesn't look good. This is on here by default. The 3D animation is a disgrace to all those people who have watched Disney over the past decades.

9 - The Flintstone's Christmas Carol: This is another show that is on this list by default. Since The Flintstone's is set in prehistoric times, why would they be celebrating Christmas when Christ hasn't been born yet? I don't mean to sound like a Christian activist, but there's just sometimes you got to forget about suspension of disbelief and come back to reality.

8 - Die Hard 2: Die Harder: Terrorist are taking over Dulles International Airport and it's John McClain against Meat from the Porky's movies. Don't get me wrong, the icicle in the eye is a cool way to kill a bad guy, but wouldn't the whole engine have blown up when John Amos was sucked into it. How long is that runway anyway? Also, the airport security would have blown Bruce Willis' character away when he fired blanks on Dennis Franz. Unlike the first and third Die Hard movie, this installment set on Christmas Eve has a villian with no charisma (William Sadler) and a plot that leaves a lot of opened questions like why doesn't the military just blow the general's plane out of the sky before it lands at Dulles. There are also too many references to the characters being in the same situation. Like if we wouldn't have figured that out.

7 - The Star Wars Holiday Special: Shown on the air once in 1978, but often sold as a bootleg on eBay, this show is commercialism at its worst. The first ten minutes is in Wookie speak and you'll need a Tylenol afterwards to soothe your headache. The plot involves Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca back to his family for Light Day, a ceremony that looks more like a Muppet version of a Satanic ritual. Crossing scenes from the Star Wars movie with musical performances by Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship, this is one of the worst ideas ever in TV history, next to Cop Rock and the Olympic Triplecast. George Lucas hated this program so much that he refused to have it sold on video. Sure, it's so bad, it's good, but it's also a terrible example of Christmas marketing.

6 - Surviving Christmas: Ben Affleck apparently thought this movie would be the best comeback he would need after Gigli, Paycheck, and Jersey Girl. It's not. There's some silly story about a yuppie who wants to reclaim his childhood by paying a dysfunctional surbanan family thousands of dollars to spend Christmas with them. This is not a funny movie. It's a painful movie about a family that seriously hates each other and more than that, hates Ben Affleck's character. James Gandolfini needs to fine better movies to make after The Sopranos is off the air.

5 - The Santa Clause: Talk about bad marketing. I'm still pissed off at this movie and it's been 11 years. The advertisement made it out to be a funny family movie. But no, it's a silly movie about Tim Allen and his wretched little shit out a son who spins so much time whining you almost would forgive Allen if he pushed the kid out of the sleigh while it was in the air. This is a terrible movie that assumes all little boys are cry babies who want their dad's affection. What this movie could have been without the kid? The scenes of Allen as he begins to wonder why he is gaining so much weight and his hair turning white are funny, except they are interrupted with that little boy crying.

4 - Karrol's Christmas: Yet, another variation on the Charles Dickens classic, but it asks a question of what would happen if they ghosts went to the wrong house? Interesting idea, like how the Terminator shot two different and wrong Sarah Conners. However, the execution isn't funny. It's starts off great with Wallace Shawn destroying a snowman to take the hat and scarf, and then turns into a mess. Tom Everett Scott plays a greeting cards maker who is having problems with his girlfriend. It's no wonder, since she only appears in the beginning and the end of this movie and doesn't have much to do except gripe. The ghost get him confused with his neighbor played by Shawn. This variation is almost offensive with having Marley be Rastafarian and the Ghost of Christmas Present showing up first because the Ghost of Christmas Past (Larry Miller) is running late. Lame, very lame.

3 - Christmas in Conneticut: A little history to this 1992 remake. It was made before Christmas but TNT showed it in April, because springtime is the perfect time to remember Christmas, right. It also had terrible ads with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who directed this movie, doing his stupid intimidation growl. Also, when it was released on video, there were reports of an advertisement of a soft core porn movie on the trailer. I don't know if this is true, but this movie is when Ar-nuld's popularity and success started to nose dive. Dyan Cannon plays a Martha Stewart type person who has her own cooking show, but she can't cook (ha-ha.) When a park ranger (Kris Kristofferson) has his cabin burn down and the only thing that can be retrieve is one of her cookbooks, Cannon's boss, Tony Curtis, decides to invite him to a Conneticut house where actors are pretending to be her family for a Christmas special. This movie is beyond terrible. All Californians should have watched this movie A Clockwork Orange style before they voted in the 2003 elections. If he can't direct a made for TV movie well, then what made them think he could run a state.

2 - All I Want for Christmas: Well, ninety minutes of my life back, for starters. This silly Parent Trap type of movie is so bad, it's makes you wonder why it was made it the first place. Ethan Randall (now Ethan Embry) and Thora Birch are two trust fund babies who's parents are divorced and they should be together for Christmas, because it isn't going to fun having Kevin Nealon for a stepfather. Veteran actors Lauren Becall and Leslie Nielsen pop up as the kid's grandmother and Santa Claus, respectively, only to show that sometimes you just got to work regardless of the material. Sweet little Thora Birch is cute as a button here, which almost (almost) makes me feel like a pervert every time I see her breasts in American Beauty. It's insulting that in 1991, it was still considered taboo for a couple to live happily divorced from each other.

1 - Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights: What is it about Kevin Nealon and why he is in bad holiday movies? Sandler decided to make a movie about Hanukkah and it's a mess. Stupid songs and tasteless gags that aren't the least bit funny. Worst yet, this is an cartoon so the animators must have known at once they were making crap. Davey Stone is a man who's parents died during Hanukkah when he was a child and he's spent the last twenty/twenty-five years of his life being as bitter as he can be. Only Whitey, a pathetic loser with a heart of gold and his eccentric sister, Eleanore, can make him see the error of his way. The only guestion is why should we even care? Davey Stone is too mean spirited to be liked. What he does to Whitey early on would make the Marquis de Sade lower his head in shame. This movie is only 78 minutes long and if you can make it all the way through, then you are a very tolerant person. When my girlfriend and I watched this, she fell asleep and I needed a stiff drink. What an awful idea for a movie and this is Adam Sandler I'm talking about, so it's that bad. The third version of "The Chanukkah Song" played over the closing credits isn't that funny either.