Sweeps and Heaps

Now the Spring sweeps have begun blowing out a lackluster year of television.

That 70's Show is finally going off the air, becoming the Head of the Class-M*A*S*H of the Generation Y clan in which time and relevance make no sense to ratings.

The Sopranos has started its final season, which is cut up more than Tony Soprano's stomach. Do we really need a whole show where Tony is in a coma and another show where Vito contemplates starting over a new gay life in New Hampshire? No. Where are the fucking decapitated heads in bowling bags?!

My Name is Earl has given us the best white trash ensemble since Hee-Haw in its glory days. If Ethan Suplee doesn't get an Emmy for his performance as the dimwitted but loveable Randy Hickey, there is no God.

24 has proven that you can get around the greater Los Angeles area in less than five minutes and no one will give a damn about the continuity. I just wish they would show more of MILF Connie Britton who wearing yellow shirts hot.

Speaking of MILFs,

Katie Couric is moving to CBS to anchor the evening news, anything is better than Bob Schiffer who is so boring he can put Tom Cruise to sleep.

Family Guy is funny. American Dad is not.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is still a funny show despite the lackluster correspondents on their now.

The Colbert Report tries to hard.

South Park has gotten a little preachy, but still funny.

The Simpsons is now only watchable for its longevity. The movie better be the best thing since replacing Brian Cox with Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter.

King of the Hill has become the worst show on the air that Fox keeps leaving on.

Survivor has become the worst show on the air that CBS keeps leaving on.

Invasion has become an interesting show to watch, just because we can never tell if William Fichtner's character is totally evil or if they is still some good in him. I just want to know how a man can cut off his own arm with a chainsaw and not die of shock.

Lost needs to stop with that TBS five minutes over the hour shit. Take away another commercial. By the way, no one really cares anymore how Locke lost the use of his legs. Hurly has emerged as the heart and soul of that show.

Prison Break has become the most addictive show on TV, with a U.S. Vice-President that makes Dick Cheney look like Mr. Rogers.

CSI:Miami has become the best show on TV with the worst acting. As long as they keep showing investigators Emily Proctor and Eva LaRue Callahan in tight pants and revealing blouses, who gives a shit about the acting. Maybe they should give David Caruso an Emmy for his Agent Smith impersonation.

Close to Home has become the silliest show on the air in which a murder trial can take place within a week of the murder.

And CSI:NY has made The Who's "Boba O'Reilly" a song no one wants to hear again for another seventeen years.

Here's to a long summer of reruns and TV promos for shows that no one will ever see. Remember Emily's Reasons Why Not?