New Rules

- Disney shall make no more inspirational sports movies. This is the same studio that gaves us Gus about the football kicking donkey. While I'm at it, Mark Wahlberg should quit playing every day people who gets shots at the big time. Boogie Nights, Rock Star, Invincible. Oh, and he should apologize for I Heart Huckabees.

- It's 2006 and it's time to stop blaming Clinton for everything that has gone wrong since his presidency. Granted, he was no angel, but Bush has fucked up far worse than the Republicans could have ever have dreamed Clinton would have. I'm a little worried when the Republican party, which has been in power for four years, is still insecure.

- If you have to pay more than $5 for a meal at a restaurant, the clientele should at least be required to dressed nice. How many times have you gone to a restaurant at lunch time only to be seated next to ditch diggers who smell like ass? Or you go out for to a nice restaurant for dinner and in comes a sweaty bunch of guys who have just finsihed playing a pick up game of basketball for two hours. This is why God invented truck stop diners.

- Child molestors who confess faslely to killing children don't deserve to sit in first class. They deserve to be thrown out of the plane from 30,000 feet up, with no parachute in a swamp full of hungry alligators.

- If white cowboys are going to make fun of Muslims for the way they dress and blacks for their African wear, then fair is fair, it's time for them to make fun of you. Oh, if you don't wrangle cows, you're not a cowboy. If you have sheep, you're a shepherd. This is the 21st century. If cowboys, are going to be allowed to dress up like mythic figures, then I think that opens the door for the rest of us, which is why I don't criticize Renaissance festivals.

- Not liking Brokeback Mountain doesn't make you homophobic. Not liking The Passion of the Christ doesn't make you anti-Christian and not liking Do the Right Thing doesn't make you a rascist. I know people who haven't seen any of these movies. What does that make them, homophobic rascist atheists? No, it just means they don't watch a lot of movies. 'Nuff said.

- Homeland Security needs to use it's money to lojack all white kids in America under the age of 16, so everytime we turn on the TV, we don't have to hear about them being lost. White kids are always being kidnapped or wandering off. Whatever happened to keeping an eye on your kid?

- Alcoholics and people convicted of drunk driving, must suffer the punishment of having to listen to another alcoholic's "How I Nearly Destroyed my Life" story every hour of every day of their fucking life. Not every teenager wants to get blind, stinking drunk, so quit bombarding them with these criminals who want forgiveness for their careless actions. Lock them up and throw away the key. Don't let them anywhere on a school campus. Hey, alcoholics, this is the world's small violin playing, "My Heart Breaks for You!"

- A DVD of a movie must only be released once in a generation. It must include the rated and the unrated version, the theatrical version and the director's cut, all interviews, documentaries and special features. Just because a bunch of nerds don't got girlfriends to spend their money on, that doesn't mean every two or three years, we must expect them to buy a new Star Wars saga DVD and The Lord of the Rings trilogy DVD, because it's got 15 minutes of new never before seen footage. I think a 25th anniversary edition is just enough time. Speaking of DVDs, Kevin Smith is not permitted to host the deleted scene section of his movies. He talks so much about a scene by the time we finally see it, we don't care anymore. We're just thankful now that he's not talking for a few minutes.

- This is for J.K. Rowlings, by all means, kill Harry Potter, please. If I knew for sure, Harry Potter was going to bite the dust, I would actually sit through of those movies.