Christmas/Holiday Movies

Ones to watch

A Christmas Story - The movie that made "fudge" a substitute for "fuck." What else do you expect from the director of Porky's, Black Christmas and Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things? Not a holiday classic. This movie is great.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - The movie that shows just how nerve racking spending time with family can be. Also, Chevy Chase's rant about his boss is priceless.

Bad Santa - "The Nutcracker Suite" has never been used so appropriately. It's also about time a Christmas movie had a few hundred uses of the word "fuck" in it. One of the few instances when a funny name "Thurman Merman" works.

The Ice Harvest - Heist movies are never about the heist which is usually boring. (See Heist.) They're about the aftermath when the double-crossing starts. This is a like an old-fashioned film noir mixed with the quirkiness of Fargo. Connie Nielsen is great as a femme fatale. In 2005 when this movie came out, it seemed a little absurd mobster Randy Quaid could be shot in the face with buck shot and live, then there was that incident with Dick Cheney.

Lethal Weapon - Holiday depression meets the buddy cop movie. A look back when Mel Gibson actually was cool, Gary Busey was aggressive when he needed to be and Danny Glover "I'm too old for this shit!" was still fresh.

Scrooged - Okay the movie falls about in its last 15 minutes as Bill Murray seems to ramble on and the cast sings, "Put a Little Love in Your Heart," but Murray is on fire as a man even Ebenezer Scrooge would hate. It takes a lot to make a man a prick, but likeable. No one does it like Murray.

It's a Wonderful Life - I hate people saying this movie was too gleeful for a post WWII era. It wasn't. It's actually a dark movie. It's just that the actors seem to be stuck in a different movie. This is one of Jimmy Stewart's best roles and isn't Donna Reed just hot. I know she's been dead for nearly 21 years, but she just sparkles on screen.

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer - The quintessential Rankin/Bass animagic production. Every production over the next two years failed in comparision. It's also takes a lot of balls to make Santa Claus an asshole.

Crash - Usually when movies are set at Christmas time, it's just backdrop. This is a lot different. Here the Christmas decorations are used as a reminder of what Christmas should be about harmony in a city where people can't get along with people of any race.

Emmett Otter's Jug-Band Christmas - Forget that bastardized version with Kermit the Frog added as a narrator. This is Jim Henson's best work. Imagine The Gift of the Magi with Muppetts, a lot of catching tunes and a message that is easily implied.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - The production quality sucks. It looks like it was made by film students at the last minute, but it works in a way I can't explain other than I just like it. It's a show that doesn't preach, but just lets you know what Christmas is all about?


Ones Not to Watch

Surviving Christmas - How could a bad idea suck so bad? That's all I can say about this movie.

Christmas with the Kranks - What could have been a terrific spoof of suburbia at Christmas time is a mean spirited cornball comedy. Tim Allen needs to be barred from making any more Christmas movies.

Just Friends - Ryan Reynolds and Chris Kleins play two dorks turned into hunks who want vie over the chance to fuck Amy Smart. This movie is awful in so many ways. It should be viewed as sacriligeous that it's set at Christmas time. Also, Ryan Reynolds fat guy accent is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July - A hokie bloated Rankin/Bass animagic production that involves something about a carnival, Frosty and his family melting and Rudolph's nose not glowing. I don't know. I don't remember much and neither will you.

Die Hard 2 - How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice? Only in Hollywood. This is the type of movie you just want to pick about its problems. With 90 minutes of jet fuel, why hover over Dulles International the whole time? I once flew from Tulsa to Atlanta in 90 minutes. Also, it a jet liner explodes on a runway, wouldn't the people in the terminal and a ten mile radius hear it. How could terrorists anticipate a snow storm at a specific airport on a specific date. Who the fuck moves a terrorist prisoner out of a country on Christmas Eve anyway? And why the fuck doesn't John McClain call his wife back to tell her the situation. Okay, the action scenes are good, but this is very close to being the Plan 9 from Outer Space for Generation X.