Futbol, Football, Foosball, Fool's Ball

Call it soccer or futbol, World Cup mania has awoken in the last month and like the cicadas who pop up during summer time every now and again, there is a lot of noise everywhere. My love/hate with the sport goes back to the early days of P.E. class when I was hit in the groin with a soccer ball flying about 30 miles per hour. During another P.E. class on one Fall morning, half of my class stood around on one half of the field watching all the action on the other half, because it never came in our general direction. I've never been into the sport, but as a teenager, I began to support it for the sole purpose that everyone at my school, Calhoun High School, in Calhoun, Ga. loved football, basketball and baseball. There were many sports to go around but the soccer team was treated like shit. Needless to say, the soccer field was near the wastewater treatment plant, so every time there was a heavy rain in the Spring, it would cause the field to flood with excrement. Soccer was the red-headed stepchild of the sports program. So, I was sick and tired of a football program that only won half its games per season, but was still doted on as if it was a championship team. During college, I had many friends who played the sport and even had their own intramural team, the Screaming Beagles, and they were good, damn good at the sport. But as I moved out of the college world into the real world, I realized that the attitude of soccer was very strange. Let's face it, in other sports, this sport produces crazy riots between teams. People get outrageously drunk at games, pubs, etc. and fight. Not just simple shoving and a few fist fights, battles between people that belong in Braveheart. The sport gives us soccer punks, who can go from very pleasant to very violent. Football players may act like douchebags but at least they know their limits and outside of little league football, you never hear of these violent scuffles happening. Here in this country, you got your typical, red blooded all-American alpha males who despise the sport. They're the same people who still haven't gotten the memo that moustaches aren't cool. Imagine the guys who talk about how they are pro-conservative and pro-Christian but still tell sexist jokes and think God's last name is Dammit. These type of people love football because it's a "man's sport." They're just like the man Hank Hill was a parody of, but they're the real deal. While these guys can be total jerks, their bizarro versions are even worse. These are the guys whose scrawny children have been playing the sport even since they got out of their training pants and they've made the assumption that everyone is out to make sure their child and their child's team gets absolutely NO notice anyway. And they may be right, but typically, the child is a terrible soccer or futbol player and the team is awful. But it's not their fault, it's the American public's perception of the sport that is the fault. Their child could be the next Pele but they just don't get enough attention. These are the people who harass the local media for exposure. I've dealt with these people before. They are the ones who demand that the newspapers come out to cover these games and have the paper needs to give the games the same amount of photos published as they do for the other sports. But pardon me for saying this, the sport is very boring. And it's very boring to cover. When I used to go cover the games, I was amazed at how long the game was. You have two 40-minutes halves and a 20-minute halftime. And usually, in those 80 minutes, there is hardly a goal. Most soccer games are like that. Even baseball is more exciting. It's just people running up and down a field playing a game similar to "kick the can." Then, to add some pizazz to the sport, players do silly things like bouncing the ball off their heads (why?) and then bouncing it off their chest (why?!). The goalie can use their hands, but usually they have to do some acrobatic move to throw the ball back in play. And just for fun, players will alternate bouncing the ball on their knees. Now, some of you might be saying, I'm basing my criticism on the sport based on the area in which I covered it and you're right. Maybe in other areas, a community rallies behind the sport, but in my experience, there's almost this feeling that people like the sport because other people hate it. The coaches have a pissy attitude and the players have this cocky attitude. And the parents have a snotty attitude that their children are not getting the attention they really don't deserve. And that's why everyone is so ecstatic over the World Cup. It's the only time every four years, the athletes who never got the glory growing up get their moment in the sun. And they play the sport on a world level, so when Team USA wins, it's a win for 'Murica, fuck yeah! The cockiness is amplified by the fact that the "They took our jobs" Middle-American tea partiers go out of their way to show a displeasure for a sport that no one is forcing them to like. So, there is the second game going on off the field where those that love it fight with those that don't. But like I said, some of the people who like it, only like it because others don't. So, therefore, main America will probably never really rally around the sport on a regular basis, because like a spoiled brat kid, we only want the toy because another kid has it. I think participation would fall if the small town newspapers would shower attention on the sport the way most do football. So, that's why it's kept as the Fredo Corleone of the sports world. Every four years, we rally and all those that played the sport get to act like the experts they are commenting on social media and drinking in sports bars and backyard barbecues. It's a sport we hate to love and love to hate.