Christmas and Holiday Movies, Part 3

We've done the good. We've done the bad. Now, we're honor those twisted Christmas and Holdiay movies.

10 - Jack Frost: Not the silly snowman reincarnated by Michael Keaton movie. I'm talking about the psychotic murder reincarnated as a murderous snowman movie. When a freak accident involving chemicals turns a convicted murder into snow, he decides to seek revenge on the sheriff that arrested him and murder everyone he can in his way. It's sad to say the best special effect of this mobie is the hologram on the cover in which the snowman goes from a smiling face to a more evil and demonic one. But just how bad it is makes it better. American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth has a role in this movie and dies an odd death that leaves us wondering, where did the snowman's carrot nose go? Maybe some things are better left a mystery.

9 - Amazing Stories "One for the Road" episode: What's a little double indemnity for the holiday season? Not only is this a dark comedy but it has such a great and diverse cast. Port Charles' Al Ruscio plays a bar owner who's barkeep The Sopranos' Joe Pantoliano and patrons, L.A. Confidential's James Cromwell and Every Which Way But Loose'sGeoffrey Lewis decide to take a life insurance policy on fellow barfly played by Douglas Seale, who played Santa Clause in Ernest Saves Christmas. They plan is to have the barfly drink himself to death. When he doesn't die, they get nastier, by feeding him heating lamp oil and a sandwich laced with thumb tacks. In they end, the four conspirators get just what they deserve. Also, this episode makes us think twice about donating to the Salvation Army.

8 - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: If the Marquis de Sade had lived in Hollywood in the last half of the 20th Century, he would have probably scripted something like this. What little Kevin McAlester (Macaulay Culkin) does to inept criminals Marv (Daniel Stern) and Harry (Joe Pesci) makes us wonder why he's the hero. Unlike the first one, which traps were just a little over the edge and creepy, this sequel has the criminals being punched, burned, electrocuted, and nearly eaten alive by pigeons. Marv and Harry slide on ice backing their backs and fall onto cars. Every thing terrible is done to them short of being disemboweled. And here's the funny part, the audience loves it. Home Alone 2 was a major success at the movies and we are rooting for little Kevin to win the day, because he needs to return the money to the children's hospital. Tim Curry is also nicely cast as a stuck-up hotel manager.

7 - Die Hard: It's Christmas Eve and all you want to do is to reconcile things with your estranged wife and some Eurotrash terrorists, with a Fu Manchu gunman who loves candy bars and an Urkel lookalike, fuck things up. The worst part is that in trying to escape, you don't have times to put on her shoes or an overshirt. Bruce Willis was not an action star when this movie came out and he curses to the point that he invents a new cratchphrase, "Yippikiyay, motherfucker!" Add Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber, one of the most charismatic and realistic villians of the movies, and you got a Christmas story from Hell. You just got to love a movie that has Run DMC's Christmas classic, "Christmas in Hollis" on the soundtrack.

6 - Gremlins: Joe Dante's most successful movie shows us what Bedford Falls would be like had it been infested with about a few hundred slime green knee high creatures who wreak havoc on Christmas Eve. The result is one of the goriest movies ever made. Anyone for a decapitated gremlin head roasting over an open fire or an exploding gremlin head in the microwave or a freshly juiced gremlin. Dante's movie was a satire of the underbelly that exist in those Norman Rockwell towns and also the desire to get someone the perfect Christmas gift can go horribly wrong. You got to show respect for one fo the movies that helped create the PG-13 rating. Phoebe Cates is a scene stealer as the cute little girl at the bank who's got a dark secret (which is also an old urban legend) and there's Corey Feldman before he got strung out on drugs. We can all agree that crouchy Mrs. Deagle gets just what she deserves. But where have you gone, Zach Galligan?

5 - The Nightmare Before Christmas: I didn't like this movie the first time I saw it. It took me nearly ten years to appreciate how great it is. While most modern Christmas movies try to be like It's a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol, this tribute to stop motion animation borrows from such stories as How the Grinch Stole Christmas! Often considered a Tim Burton movie, it was in fact directed by Henry Selick who fell from grace when he made Monkeybone. This movie is a cross between the merry and the macabre. But more importantly, it takes two of the most loved holidays by little kids and big kids and turns it into something that is unforgetable.

4 - Bad Santa: Whoever said there are no small characters just small actors must have been referring to this movie. Billy Bob Thornton may star as the title character, but it's actor Tony Cox who makes this movie so great. As the brains of a safe cracking team, Cox's Marcus is more of a babysitter than a partner as he tries to keep Thornton's Willie in line even if it's for a few seconds. Brett Kelly plays the pudgy Thurman Merman, who is under the care of his grandmother, Cloris Leachman, who wants to feed him sandwiches every fifteen minutes, and has some the best scenes between adults and children with Thornton. This was John Ritter's last movie and his disappearance in the second half makes us think that he had passed away during the movie's production. After watching this movie, you'll never look at a department store Santa the same way ever again.

3 - The Simpsons "Simpons Roasting on an Open Fire": This first Simpsons episode is probably one of the best ever. It set the tone for the long-running series. Bart Simpson's character was set when he said, "Why, I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?" and Homer's loveable dopiness was made when he says that Donna Dixon is one of Santa's reindeer. Lisa's political views were expressed when she uses a much higher vocabulary to her aunt Patty. Maggie is well, Maggie, but we see that Marge is going to be the clue that holds the family together. We first meet Patty and Selma, Barney and Moe, Ned Flanders and Rod and Todd, Milhouse, Mr. Burns and of course, Santa's Little Helper. This is one of the first TV episodes to show us that a dysfunctional family can still be a loving family. As a Christmas program, it shows us that sometimes the best things in life are free. Having the episode end with a Simpson version of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" was terrific.

2 - Scrooged: If you're going to gives us a Scrooge, make him an asshole like Frank Cross, not some Mr. Burns type of character. Bill Murray's first leading role after The Razor's Edge casts him as a spineless TV executive who berates his underlings to the point that when they talk back, he fires them, even if it's at Christmas. He steals a cab from an old woman. He tells an animal handler to staple fake antlers on a mouse's head. When he hears that a nightmarish TV promo caused an elderly woman to have a heart attack and die, he jumps with glee saying "You can't buy publicity like that!" But evil Frank Cross is going to get his due. We almost feel like applauding when Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane) kicks him in the groin, head butts him, and whacks him senseless with a toaster. Former Saturday Night Live writer Michael O'Donoghue co-wrote this movie and is the only movie in to have casted all the Murray brothers (Bill, Brian, Joel and John). But the best thing about this movie is it's stab at TV with "The Night the Reindeer Died" where terrorist siege Santa's mansion and they fight back with M-16s with the help of Lee Majors. Christmas movies have never been wickedly funnier than this.

1 - Married...With Children "It's a Bundyful Life": When TV's most famous shoe salesman Al Bundy finally has enough money to buy his family Christmas presents, he gets to the bank only to discover they have closed early for a drunken Christmas party. So, he decides to open a temporary babysitting service in the shoe store where he ties the kids up and tells them his own vulgar version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" as he greedily counts his money. When that endeavor fails, his family decides to leave him out of their Christmas dinner out. Angry, Al gets electrocuted while fixing the Christmas lights and his angel, Sam Kinison, shows him what his life would be like if he was never born. His kids are well behaved and mannered and his wife is loving. Angry that his family can't be as miserable as he is, Al sees the purpose in living. This episode of the classic TV series pulled no punches. It has department store Santas assaulting Al with their bags, Peggy Bundy making snow cones with mouth wash, and calm people getting drunk at office parties and Xeroxing their bare butts. Along with the great Kinison, this episode cast Tim McGinley as the bizarro husband. McGinley would later become a regular on the show. This is the perfect Christmas TV program for those that can't wait for the holiday season to be over. There is not one message in this episode and that's all what Married...with Children was shooting for.